Another one

Something I've come to realise recently is that I never really hated cute things, like cute anime girls or cute animals or cute children, and the fact that I immediately want to defend myself when saying the last one is kind of part of why.

I don't know if it's an innate masculine desire to want to subdue feeling "cute" feelings, and I feel too afraid to ask this to everyone, but I know I feel that way. I realised that just now reading "Bloom Into You", where I was audibly positively into the story and wished the characters well, but immediately wanted to replace this feeling with listening to some heavy metal to replace that "cute" feeling with some raw aggression. Maybe it's because reading that manga made me realise how badly I do actually desire such a relationship with another person, which is something I constantly told others I didn't need until I achieved some tangible yet constantly moving milestone.

This also relates to my recent yearning to actually try out some dating site to find people to want to interact with, and I've wanted to ask people I know about their experiences on such apps, but I'm deathly afraid of the image I've constructed of myself in their mind and how even asking such things might damage or shatter such an image, by creating another part of my personality that undermines my overall presentation. I also don't really comfortable putting myself out there until I get less fat, but since I've not gone to gym since level 2 lockdown means I'm not really that serious about that goal either, so the end result is that I'm really just a lazy fuck who'll die alone one day.

What joy.