Blood drains from my jugular as my brain leaks into the drain and the cops are calling the party off

Something I've come to realise recently is that I never really hated cute things, like cute anime girls or cute animals or cute children, and the fact that I immediately want to defend myself when saying the last one is kind of part of why. I don't know if it's an innate masculine desire to want to subdue feeling "cute" feelings, and I feel too afraid to ask this to everyone, but I know I feel that way. I realised that just now reading "Bloom Into You", where I was audibly positively into the story and wished the characters well, but immediately wanted to replace this feeling with listening to some heavy metal to replace that "cute" feeling with some raw aggression. Maybe it's because reading that manga made me realise how badly I do actually desire such a relationship with another person, which is something I constantly told others I didn't need until I achieved some tangible yet constantly moving milestone. This also relates to my rec...

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Guess I'll get some sort of closure from this but even then does it really matter? What is even the point of trying to comfort myself here? I don't even know if I feel grief or am I only feeling something that I'm supposed to, and even then I didn't cry or necessarily want to hide or anything like that. I just lived like normal with the knowledge that I'll never see my paternal grandfather ever again. Nor will I ever see my paternal grandmother or my maternal grandfather, seeing as I've missed their funerals too. It's been so long that I can't even recall which grandparent I lost first. Might've been my maternal grandfather (Daddy, no not that kind you sick fucks). It was around a year after we came back from our 2 week trip in India. My mom got news that Daddy was really really sick and she really wanted to go visit him. On the way back from dropping her off at the airport we got news that Daddy d...

I have always imagined self-improvement to be this abstract concept that is difficult to understand and difficult to explain. After all, if you know what to do to get better at something, you should just do it right? Then why do people struggle with it? Why does any self-improvement, whether it may be physical, mental, emotional, or skill based, feel so difficult at so many points in your life? I think I have tried putting my thoughts on it years ago, but I can't find where it is, so now with puberty past me, I shall aim to write about it once more! Let's explore and see what we find. One day years ago, in a Tekken Tag 2 stream chat I had the epiphany that, "You are only 50% on your journey to improve." The logic behind it was that you can only realise so much about your play that you can improve, and given what you can do currently you're only half way there, but the more you improve the more you realise you have to improve, and thus you are forever stuck...